So you think you have what it takes to be an AMHP? The Masked AMHP’s Christmas Quiz!

The AMHP of the future?

Warning: Contains gratuitous examples of reprehensible practice.

Lots of people want to be AMHPs – they’re attracted to the glamour and status of the role, the reverence with which they’re regarded by psychiatrists, police and other professionals, not to mention the greatly enhanced salary that the role attracts.

But quite simply, not everyone is cut out to undertake this complex and demanding task.

So, despite the wishes of those who devised it, I’m exclusively revealing the top secret questionnaire that AMHP courses use, which is designed to identify those who are likely to make good AMHPs, and to exclude those who just aren’t going to make the grade.

Here are some typical scenarios that AMHPs are likely to encounter in their practice, with 4 possible answers.

You have assessed Kylie, a woman with bipolar disorder, at home, and have made the decision that she needs to be detained under the MHA. However, there is no bed. You are concerned about leaving her because of possible risks. While you’re waiting for a bed, do you:

a)    Attempt to get the Crisis Team to keep an eye on her in the meantime.

b)    Offer to put her up in your spare room.

c)     Secure her firmly to a chair with duct tape.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

You are planning to conduct an assessment of Derek at his home, but you have reason to think that he may resist and become violent. You ask the police to attend to assist, but they refuse. Do you:

a)    Obtain a warrant under S.135(1) MHA which gives a constable the power to enter the property, if needs be using force.

b)    Go to the house and call through the letterbox, offering to buy him a drink if he lets you in.

c)     Go round the back of the house with a crowbar, break in through a window and secure him firmly to a chair with duct tape.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

You have assessed Jessica at home, decide she needs to be detained, and for once there is a bed. However, Ambulance Control tell you that it will be at least 4 hours before an ambulance will arrive. Do you:

a)    Wait patiently for the ambulance, in order to ensure that she is safely dispatched to hospital

b)    Pop her in the back of your car and take her yourself, playing soothing music during the journey.

c)     Flag down a passing car, telling them you are an undercover agent, secure her in the back seat with duct tape and give instructions to the driver on how to get to the hospital.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

You’ve been called to assess Joanne, who is on a medical ward. Although there is nothing medically wrong with her, she is completely mute, so when it comes to interviewing her, she does not say anything. In order to fulfil your duty to interview in a suitable manner, do you:

a)    Explain the purpose of the interview and the importance of hearing her own views about what she would like to happen.

b)    Fluff up her pillow, get her a cup of tea and a doughnut, and stroke her hand while at the same time talking about fluffy kittens in order to get her to relax and open up.

c)     Secure her to the bed with duct tape and threaten to waterboard her if she doesn’t talk.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

Robert is detained under S.2 for assessment in a psychiatric ward, and the psychiatrist is recommending a S.3. You feel that continuing detention is justified, but the second S.12 doctor disagrees. Do you:

a)    Have an extensive discussion with both the doctors in order to reach a consensus of opinion.

b)    Take the dissenting doctor to the hospital canteen, buy them a cup of tea and a doughnut, and talk about kittens.

c)     Take the dissenting doctor into a side room, secure him to a chair with duct tape, and threaten to give him an acuphase injection unless he changes his mind.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

You’ve assessed Sylvia in hospital. She is currently detained under S.2. She has a long history of schizophrenia, and is prone to relapses, and you and the doctors have decided she needs to be detained under S.3 for treatment. However, her husband, who is the Nearest Relative, has objected to this. Do you:

a)    Decide to go to court to have him displaced as Nearest Relative.

b)    Take the husband out to a tea shop, buy him a lovely cream tea, and have a long chat with him until he changes his mind.

c)     Secure the husband to a chair with duct tape and threaten to pull his finger nails out with pliers unless he agrees.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

Donald lives a long way away, and has been removed from a train in your area and detained under S.136. He is in the S.136 suite. You have assessed him and conclude that he needs to be detained under S.2 for assessment. You contact the bed manager, who states that, as the patient is registered with a GP outside the Mental Health Trust’s area, they have no responsibility to find him a bed. The S.136 detention will run out in 6 hours. Do you:

a)    Find out where he’s from, contact the bed managers for his area, and try to get a bed in his home area.

b)    Put him up in your spare room.

c)     Break into the bed manager’s office, secure him firmly to a chair with duct tape, and suggest he finds a local bed straight away, while you wield a lump hammer in a threatening manner.

d)    Go home and open a bottle of wine.

How did you score?

Mainly A’s – You’ve definitely got what it takes to be an AMHP.

Mainly B’s – You’re a lovely person, but too lovely to be an AMHP

Mainly C’s – Erm, have you thought about a career in MI5?

Mainly D’s – You’d make a lousy AMHP, but you’re ideally suited to a job in the Conservative cabinet.