Are you mad, or just a sandwich short of a picnic? Are you completely sparko-balarmey, or just a bit swivel-eyed? Find out today with the Masked AMHP’s fully peer-reviewed and scientifically validated rating scale!
1. How are you today?
(a) OK.
(b) Not so good, actually, since you ask.
(c) I am perfectly fine and I am taking my medication, honestly.
2. Do you ever hear voices when there’s no-one else there?
(a) No.
(b) Occasionally, just as I’m about to fall asleep.
(c) The voices told me not to tell you anything.
3. Which section of the Mental Health Act detains a patient in hospital for up to 6 months for treatment?
(a) Section 3.
(b) Section 2.
(c) Can’t I go in informally this time?
4. The UK Coalition government is:
(a) an inevitable and acceptable consequence of our democratic system.
(b) a right-wing stitch-up.
(c) a conspiracy by the Lizard People from Procyon 5 to take over the world for their own nefarious purposes.
5. Do you ever feel that you are receiving messages from your TV?
(a) What are you talking about?
(b) I do sometimes feel as if certain programmes have a special significance, now you mention it.
(c) I wish Kate Silverton on BBC 1’s Breakfast programme would stop flirting with me.
6. Do you ever feel that people are watching you, or talking about you, or following you?
(a) No.
(b) I’m too worthless for anyone to be that interested in me.
(c) Who are you looking at?
7. Do you ever feel as if thoughts are being taken out of your head?
(a) No.
(b) I haven’t had any problems since I started to wear a tin foil helmet.
(c) Pardon? I was miles away.
8. Do you ever get the feeling that your mind is being controlled by a radio transmitter located on the far side of the Moon?
(a) Never.
(b) Funny you should say that…
(c) I am perfectly fine and I am taking my medication, honestly.
9. Is antipsychotic medication useful for controlling the symptoms of psychosis?
(a) It can be very effective as a component of the Care Programme Approach, providing this is in conjunction with a comprehensive package of community care.
(b) I prefer to take vitamins and go to Yoga classes.
(c) It is actually possible to palm those velotabs if you’re quick and can distract the nurse.
10. How often do you find an Approved Mental Health Professional and two doctors knocking on your front door?
(a) What’s an Approved Mental Health Professional?
(b) Hardly ever.
(c) I am perfectly fine and I am taking my medication, honestly.
How you score: (a)=0, (b)=1, (c)=2
A score of less than 5: You’re probably not mad at all.
A score of 6-12: You’re a brick short of the full load.
A score of 13+: You’re almost certainly barking. There’s no point trying to hide. We know where you live.
But... but... I am perfectly fine and I AM taking my medication :P
ReplyDeleteThanks for this- it is funny :)
Yeah - ditto, in fact I've never been finer and I am (mostly) taking my meds... honest!.. ;)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love it...
Take care,
Differently
But you don't know where i live. And there's a reason for that.
ReplyDeleteI scored 19 and 4. What does that mean? :-)
ReplyDeleteHaha, excellent post! I am taking my medication, honest! *cough*
ReplyDeleteBut the coalition government IS a right wing stitch up!
ReplyDeleteWell I voted Tory, but I think the right wing stitch up might be a better deal all round. I'm loving the whining from those who've had ten years of unlimited budgets (funded from the poverty of future generations) and oppressive government to build their empires. The less money the mental health industry has, the less it can try to involve itself in the lives of those of us who don't want it.
ReplyDeleteThere's no money, so even if New Labour had been returned we would be looking at cuts to services and benefits, and hopefully the LibDems can minimise the impact on the most vulnerable. Remember New Labour was pretty savage when it wanted to be.
ps: when do we get to see the Great Repeal Bill, Dave. We are waiting, it'd better be good.
Political rant over, merry christmas all!
Oh dear, i ticked a,b,c for each question. You may know where i live but i'm not answering the door, ha.
ReplyDeleteAm definelty mad!
ReplyDeleteAs I rather dislike the threatening overtone of much of what the masked ahmp writes, and the way in which he revels in his powers and mocks his victims; maybe I am the only one here who isn't mad.
ReplyDelete